If life were like a rom com, this is the part where I'd bump into some charming British hunk at the grocery store, both reaching for spicy pickles, right? And we'd have a laugh and begin talking and eventually fall in love because that's precisely what happens when you're down on your luck in the romance department and you've suffered one after another disappointment?
Hugh, Colin, Idris - feel free to appear at any time (I usually shop at the Jewel-Osco on Des Plaines, just sayin'). In the meantime, here's the scoop:
I'm 34, and things just ended with someone I was excited about. It sucks, and I'm not even going to try to say it more profoundly. This fella and I had similar interests, were like-minded in key areas, and laughed a lot. There was thoughtful planning on both sides, and no shortage of things to talk about. We had been on roughly eight dates, so while I realize it was still somewhat new, I thought we had made it past the initial could I date this person? hurdle. These are the relationship hurdles, à la JK, by the way [very curious to get your thoughts, below, in the comments!]:
Can I stand this person? (Date 1)
Do I enjoy this person? (Date 2)
Could I date this person? (Dates 3-5) *for me, max is 3 if the answer is no
Could I live with this person? (Few months in)
Could I marry this person? (6 mo. - 1+ years in)
Of course, relationships are always "at-will," but this one hit hard. I suppose because it has been the first time, for me at least, in which there wasn't a string of pink or red flags - so that when looking back - the end seems inevitable and you acknowledge it's ultimately a good thing. It caught me off-guard that someone could be texting you all day Sunday, sharing a romantic pizza night (as I'll call it) with you Monday, and then POOF - out of your life by Thursday.
Especially since for me, interest comes pretty black-and-white, and I have a hard time going through the motions if it's not there. I guess some have the ability to dissociate, or maybe they're just better actors? Age may have a lot to do with it as well. Or even more likely, there seems to be a lot of truth in the 'right time' part of the 'right person, right place, right time' maxim. In talking through this with a friend, we lamented that often the partner someone ends up with is not materially or significantly "better" than the one(s) they left behind. It's just that that person appeared better at that moment.
What bothers me most is that I had just given myself permission to branch out of dating self-preservation mode. For those unfamiliar, this is the wisdom (/a healthy dose of pessimism?) that comes with being single for a decent period of time. It consists of behaviors such as keeping the love interest on the DL for a while, not programming him/her into your phone, and tempering excitement as much as possible, among other idiosyncrasies. You know, until it's presumably safe to...
I am NOT a cat (okay, had to say it; still love this video). But you get the picture. I was feeling like things might actually be different this time, and hoping to have a conversation about where his feelings were landing when THE text came in. You know the one: "you're X, Y, and Z, but I don't think we're right for each other." [Don't get me started on X, Y, and Z. If I'm so great, I don't know, maybe date me?]
From there, the deluge of questions. Over the last week, many things have run through my mind, from the typical to the bizarre to the I-won't-even-acknowledge-I-thought-it-by-putting-it-on-the-internet:
Could I have made up the chemistry it seemed like we had?
Did he meet someone else?
Should I have not pulled up the Weather Kitty app? (If you're not familiar, see what I mean here) That probably did me in.
Was I too "light," did I not open up/dig deep enough?
Maybe I'm hideous in my glasses? (He saw me in my specs for the first time the last morning I was there at his place)
And many more. I realize it probably doesn't have much to do with me, and I'll never get the answers, but it doesn't stop you from trying to piece things together nonetheless. That's why Neil Sedaka (namesake of this post) - and many others - have sung about it. Though from what I've gleaned from @natalykogan of Happier, our brain has one job, to protect you! It likes to sort and make sense of info. so that it knows what to do the next time around. But this is a matter of the heart, and unfortunately, no amount of pondering, crooning, or other
-ing will inform or heal you.
I've sat on this post for a few days because I wished it was more cohesive, or funny, or at least offered some wisdom. However, I suppose that's the point. There is no way to wrap a parting of ways in a bow; it's shitty, and a bit scary that we must go through it until we don't any more. Unfortunately for some of us, that takes a little longer than others. But now, I'm okay with the piece, because it's honest, and I think (/hope) that it's something everyone can relate to. Maybe not all parts, but at least one.
The hopeful feeling you have at the start of a new romance is SO exhilarating. I think it has to do with all of the firsts. First date, first meal, first kiss, first time seeing his/her place, first sleepover, etc. I'm sad to see these go, but I actually am optimistic about other things by way of this crummy situation:
There are still good people left on dating apps
I expanded my criteria a bit with this guy, and it paid off
Remember the red flags I mentioned above? I didn't really experience these this time around, meaning, I think I'm selecting better dating partners (or at least on my way to)
I am better prepared to have "tough" conversations in the future
Friends are everything; find the ones who will be there for you at the drop of a hat with a doughnut and a hug <3
Though life can be very different from the movies, I will leave you with this, from La La Land:
Julie- while I’m so sorry this happened to you, and it definitely sucks, thanks for sharing and being brave enough to dive into it all. Good things will come. Love you