Why is it that outside of October, ghosts are all around us? And no, I don't mean the pale, transparent images of those who have passed and make their spirits known to us. I'm talking about ghosting.
It seems like it's everywhere these days; just this week, a friend told me she was experiencing it from someone she feels a strong connection with, after several dates. And it's not just the dating realm by the way! I'm hearing from the master's students I work with that employers are doing this too. A first interview, a second interview, and then BOOM - nothing.
I have a couple theories on why it's so prevalent:
One, the proliferation of technology and our attachment to our phones (and email) means that you can hide behind a device.
Two, with the above, the number of 'options' have increased. Back in the day, you'd meet someone, you'd have a good time, and there wasn't much more to think about! Nowadays, it's easy to wonder if there's someone more good-looking, funnier, or smarter out there. All you have to is swipe right, or grab another resume from the stack.
Three...and this is actually totally innocent and not necessarily a 'sign of the times'...we don't want to hurt people. The problem is that in trying to avoid the thing we don't want to do, we wind up doing that very thing.
I think it has probably happened to all of us at some point, whether in your career, relationships, or life in general. And if that's true, why does it continue to occur? Anyone who has experienced it knows it's an awful feeling. Picture hanging out with someone you really like. You start texting a little, and before long, it's every day. Seeing their name pop up on your phone makes you feel like it's Christmas morning! You hang out Sunday which turns into Monday and then every couple of days thereafter. It's the best feeling in the world to have your affections returned. Things are going well, seemingly, until one day it takes the other person a whole lot longer to reach out or respond.
^^^ That, my friends, is the sinking pit into which you fall when you know something not great is about to happen but have no physical proof yet. It is enough to drive a person crazy! This actually happened to me a few months back, and my biggest regret is allowing the other person's disregard to impact me so much. I made excuses for him - he's busy, it's the holidays, etc. - all the while it broke me down a little bit each day, wondering if something had changed. Finally, after a few weeks, I checked in about it. He had in fact pulled away (so I wasn't imagining things!) and was open to talking about it (great!). But why did it take me following up to get this basic decency? Need I say more than this is bad, and we should not be okay with ghosting, nor with the term becoming common vernacular?
Anyway, I've vowed to never sit in the waiting again. Anyone who is bothered or likes you less because you are communicating and articulating feelings clearly isn't the person for you (or me), I don't think.
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That word 'vow' gets me thinking. What if there was some sort of dating code which you had to abide by to participate? Almost like a manifesto. Or wait, a set of commandments! Now I'm not very religious myself, but it IS Sunday, so I crafted a little something. It's my twist on the commandments...a few of them anyway. It's not meant to make light of a very serious set of guiding principles, but rather, bring levity to the not-so-fun part of putting yourself out there. As always, I hope it gives some food for thought; just as we can be the recipients, I'm sure we've been the perpetrators on occasion too.
You shall not make idols.
> You shall not idolize the idea of the "perfect" person. (As a wise person once told me, aim for polished, not perfection.)
You shall have no other gods before me.
> Would another person call you their boyfriend/girlfriend/situation? (#1 & only)
Honor your father and mother.
> What would your mom and dad think? Would they approve of your manners? (Ha ha!)
You shall not murder.
> Kill 'em with kindness. Let kindness guide everything. (But, see below...)
You shall not steal.
> You shall not steal my time. (i.e. be direct)
You shall not covet.
> You shall ̶n̶o̶t̶ be coveted. (If it feels like less than this, it's probably not it.)
What do you think? Can we get this printed and signed en masse? The world might just be a better place.
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